Moms do some incredible things. We grow babies in our bellies, function on practically zero sleep, and multitask like nobody’s business. But every now and then we are guilty of acts that defy our imagination or sully the image of the perfect parent we aspire to be. I asked some of my gal pals to share their mommy confessions as a humbling, yet hilarious, reminder that we’re humans just trying to preserve our sanity with our little people. Most of these brilliant mommies preferred to remain anonymous (and you’ll see why), but a few were brave enough to leave their names. Get ready to laugh out loud!

You Didn’t See Anything!

1. “I throw out any presents my kids get that make too much noise or a mess, like 500 piece puzzles, drums, or make your own bracelets with 1000 beads.”

2. “My kids think it’s normal to change clothes in the middle of the day because that’s what my husband and I tell them we’re doing when our bedroom door is locked.”

3. “We went on a road trip and stopped at a gas station for a quick break. After we were back on the highway for about 5 minutes, our toddler suddenly jumped out of her seat and shouted, “Hey, Daddy!” right in our ears. We’d forgotten to strap her back in! We freaked out and immediately pulled right over to buckle her up!” –Tasheena (two girls, almost 3 years and 1 year)

4. “My kids have found their stuff in the trash that I had thrown away… Whoops! Mommy fail!”

5. “I recently poured some bubble bath that hardly did anything and was like ‘this brand sucks, I’m never buying it again’. Then my 10-year-old pointed out that I had bought regular bubbles for blowing.”

6. “Once, the tooth fairy did not come on time (aka Dad forgot to make the switch). I had to distract our daughter and sneak the money into her bed and pretend that it fell out from under her pillow while she slept. The tooth was still there because I didn’t have time take it out. So now the tooth fairy lets us keep the tooth for our memories because she has enough teeth.” -Erin (three kids, ages 6, 4, and 1)

7. “My daughter usually looks like the kid from Big Daddy when she dresses herself, but it’s not a battle I’m interested in fighting.”

8. “I actually love when my baby falls asleep in the car. It’s an excuse to get a milkshake and fries and just play around on my phone until he wakes up.”

Can I Have a Bite?

9. “I didn’t want my toddler eating all of the chocolate she got in her eggs from the Easter Egg Hunt. But she was so thrilled to be opening the eggs and finding the surprises inside. So when she wasn’t looking I took all the candy out and filled the eggs with a single blueberry or single M&M and put them all back in her bucket. She had a blast going through each one and it turned out to be a great morning activity for her. I was happy to eat her chocolate.” -Diana (two girls, 4.5 and 1.5 years old) www.beehappy.ca

10. “I have a secret snack stash (my hubby doesn’t even know about it) and the main times I use the kitchen baby gate are so that I can eat cookies without my kids seeing.” -Tasheena

11. “When I don’t want to share my food, I tell the kids it’s spicy and they don’t ask for it anymore.” -A Hungry Mama

12. “I tell my kids there is alcohol in my chocolate candies so I don’t have to share.”

13. “If I’m ever drinking something that isn’t water, like juice or soda, I pour it into a mug and tell my kids it’s tea so that I won’t have to give them a sip.”

14. “I hide tons of veggies in my kids’ food and now that they are old enough to help, they see what they have been eating. That was a hilarious revelation!” –Amber (mom of two)

Who’s Watching the Baby?

15. “Sometimes when I need the little to entertain himself so I can cook dinner, I take a handful of Cheerios and throw them on the kitchen floor. It takes at least 20 minutes for him to locate and eat them all. I figure the germs boost his immune system. Win win.” -Very Pregnant Mom of an 18 month old

16. “Yesterday, I went upstairs to do laundry. My toddler didn’t want to come with me so I sent him back to the living room. My husband did not get the message and my son did not go downstairs… About 10 minutes went by, small child unattended, before we realized he wasn’t with either of us. Thankfully nothing bad happened!” -Molly (20-month-old son)

17. “My husband gives me one baby-free night a week alone, and I refuse (REFUSE) to do chores of any kind. I am 31 years old, and sit there re-watching old Glee episodes and drawing (if I’m feeling motivated). Makes me feel ridiculous, but it helps!” –Maryanna (one-year-old son)

18. “When my kids are driving me crazy and I need a break, I tell them that Mommy has to go to timeout and they can’t talk to me until I’m done. It usually buys me 10 minutes of quiet time.”

19. “One day I was cooking and the baby was just crawling around the kitchen floor playing. I heard noises by the cat food bowl, but when I looked up, the cat was in the other room. The baby was in the cat food! I can’t say with certainty how much she ate, but she definitely tasted it!”

20. “When my daughter goes into her bedroom and shuts the door I KNOW it’s because she’s doing something she shouldn’t. Usually resulting in a huge mess – but I let her get away with it for 20 minutes of peace.”

Please Stop Whining!

21. “When my daughter is acting crazy, I tell her to ‘stop or we’re going to have a serious problem’. I have no idea what that means or what I’ll do if she doesn’t stop, but it always works!”

22. “I totally bribe my kids with TV and tablet time. It’s how I get them to clean up their toys, go anywhere without throwing a fit, or eat breakfast with sitting at the table forever.”

23. “My toddler loves watching the same shows over and over and over. Whenever I get tired of seeing certain shows (*cough cough* Daniel Tiger), I just tell her they don’t work on our TV anymore.”

24. “I loathe playgrounds with sand. So messy! If my kid asks to go play at a park with sand, I just say it’s closed because I don’t want to deal with it.”

25. “I use bribery to get through each and every day. In my mind, I refer to it as negotiations. It avoids many meltdowns, redirects moods from happy to sad, controls behavior, and allows me to get stuff done with the promise of treats in the future. Bribes: I love em!” -Mom of a 4-year-old and 8-month-old and stepmom to twin 11-year-olds

26. “My two-year-old used to hate having her hair washed. One time, she had such a fit when I was washing her hair that she cried herself to sleep. I took pictures of her sleeping while I washed her hair and then showed them to her. I convinced her that she fell asleep because it was so relaxing. Now she thinks getting her hair washed is like a trip to the spa!” -Tasheena

Go Back to Bed!

27. “The only way we can get our toddler to sleep in her bed at night is by bribing her with juice. If she stays in her bed, she gets to drink (super watered-down) juice when she wakes up!”

28. “My husband and I pretend to be asleep when we hear the kids coming up the stairs on Saturday mornings. We started putting their tablets by their beds after they go to bed so when they wake up it will give us at least an extra hour of sleep.” -Jamila (two kids, 7-year-old and 4-year old)

29. “’That’s our nap time’ is an acceptable excuse to get out of anything! Everyone knows you don’t mess with a kid’s sleep schedule.”

30. “When the baby wakes up in the morning, I act like I’m still sleeping so my husband will wake up and get her (and I get to sleep a little longer).”-One Tired Mommy of a Restless Baby

Your Turn!

What are your mommy confessions? Tell me in the comments! And thanks again to all of the lovely mamas who bared their souls for our amusement! Muah!

Keep the laughter going with more great mommy confessions from Lisa at Me and My Mom Friends!

If you liked this post, check out my essentials for the germophobe mom!

Talk to you soon!