Spanking.
Yup. I’m going there.
***Takes a deep breath***
There’s so much controversy surrounding spanking that it has basically become a bad word in the parenting realm. It has definitely been heavily debated in our home and challenged both me and my husband to reevaluate our beliefs and expectations.
We turned out okay.
There are countless reasons people choose to spank or not spank. As individuals, we are products of our environment and our experiences.
My husband and I were both spanked as kids and we understand that our parents believed it was to teach us discipline and obedience.
Okay. I get it. Not the most child-friendly approach, but I see what they were trying to do. And aside from a major grudge and inescapable trust issues, spanking was effective.
So when we had kids, my husband was comfortable sticking to what he knew. He grew up in South LA and spanking worked for him. He stayed out of trouble and is now an educated, respectful, taxpaying adult with a loving family and no criminal background (yay spanking).
I might’ve agreed that spanking was the answer, too, except that I’ve devoted my entire adult life to early childhood development and education. In all of my experiences with children, hitting them was never an option. If I can spend all day in a classroom with 30 kindergarteners and never have to spank a single one of them to influence their behavior, then why should I spank my own children?
I shouldn’t! There are a million other behavior management techniques that are significantly more effective and far less detrimental to a child’s wellbeing.
Learn my 6 Tricks to Stay Calm when my kids are acting crazy.
So anyway.
We debated the subject back and forth for months and neither of us could convince the other to change their mind. I presented research and alternative strategies for discipline and he would cite his success and that of other adults who had been spanked during childhood. We were literally talking in circles getting nowhere.
So I took my dilemma to someone very close to me whose circumstances are very similar. She gave me a simple solution: Let him spank.
Let my husband spank our children.
She made me acknowledge that we are equal parents in our home and I can’t make decisions by myself. If he is their parent and he wants to spank, he can. Not beating and whipping them. Just an occasional pat on their bottom.
BUT…
There have to be conditions to the spanking.
We were able to agree on this list. As long as he sticks to it, I won’t object:
- The consequence of spanking has to be stated in advance so that it’s predictable for our kids. (“If you throw that toy at your sister, I’m going to spank you”)
- No angry spanking. If he finds an occasion that he deems spank-worthy, he has to postpone it until he’s totally calm.
- He has to check himself before spanking: Is he just in a bad mood? Is he irritable because he’s tired or hungry? And was he clear about his expectations for appropriate behavior beforehand (because kids aren’t mind readers)?
- Then he has to carefully analyze our child: What provoked her negative behavior? Does she have a need that we are not fulfilling? Is there anything we can do instead of spanking her?
And you know what has happened since we instituted these spanking rules?
Zero spanking has occurred.
ZERO.
Based on our criteria, my husband has not found a single incident where he has considered it necessary to spank.
***Throws confetti in the air***
Parenting is such a hard job, but it’s even more difficult when you and your partner aren’t on the same page. Although I’m really glad that our kids haven’t been spanked (like really, really, extra, super duper glad), the root of this disagreement wasn’t about whether spanking is good or bad. It’s about us having two completely separate opinions and finding a middle ground in our parenting.
There are a lot of things we see eye to eye on, but spanking is not one of them. No one is necessarily wrong or right here. We both have the best interest of our kids in mind. I’m proud that we were able to find a solution that satisfies both of us and demonstrates our ability to compromise for the good of our family.
Do you and your partner always agree on how to discipline your kids? Let me know in the comments!
To see the secret to our healthy relationship, check out the 7 Lessons We Learned at Marriage Counseling!
And be sure to read my 6 Tricks for Staying Calm when your kids are driving you crazy!
Talk to you soon!
We aren’t quite to the discipline stage since our daughter is only one – I know it’s wuickly approaching but I think we are on the same page. We have seen multiple nieces and nephews have a lack of discipline and have both agreed that we know what not to do. But I guess we will see when it comes down to it.
Hi Chelsea! It doesn’t hurt to start discussing, but you guys will discover strategies that work as you see your little one’s behavior change.
This is definitely a touchy subject for some people. I can easily see both sides of the argument and luckily my husband and I have not had this issue yet. But I loved all the information and tips you gave! I had to follow you on pinterest so I can remember this if I ever come across this problem!
Thank you, Ariel! It is super touchy! I’ve learned that parenting and marriage are all about compromise and finding a healthy balance.
Wow what a fantastic piece of writing.. As a general rule we don’t spank & it would never be used as a first response to bad behaviour. I find spanking is usually a consequence of parent’s frustration right there on the spot. I think your arrangement is great with your husband. Spankig is allowed with strict boundaries
Thank you so much, Michelle! I feel the same way as you about spanking!
We aren’t at this stage yet with my little but something to start talking about with my husband.
Hi Monica! Best of luck as your kiddo gets older!
We don’t always see eye to eye on the little things, but thankfully we’ve always agreed on the big ones. It definitely helps to talk about this topic with your spouse early and often.
Thanks, Amy! Yes, communication with your spouse is key. It’s great that you and your husband are able to find so much common ground!
What if the other parent doesn’t value your opinion when it comes to discipline because you weren’t disciplined as a child? My partner has been talking about having to whoop our son since he was 6 months old. He’s now 18 months and my partner has spanked him/popped him on the leg/butt many times. it always breaks my heart when i witness this, but if i say anything i am always shot down and told i dont know anything about disciplining a child. I’m constantly told that my son is going to run over me because i don’t discipline enough. There is a cultural difference as he was raised being beaten (has physical scars), and he appreciates being disciplined this way. I tend to think it may be part of why he had major behavioral issues as a child, barely graduating high school and dropping out of college. i’m just at a loss.
That is heartbreaking. I honestly can’t think of a good reason to physically discipline an 18-month-old. Your partner might benefit from child development education so that he can understand what behavior is typical for that age (tantrums, assertiveness, defiance, etc) and adjust his expectations. You guys may also want to consider counseling, either as a couple to get on the same page in your parenting or individually so he can learn other ways to cope with his frustration and anger. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, but keep sticking up for your kid!
Yes to ALL of this!! This was the solution that me and my hubby came to too!
It’s honestly still so hard watching my oldest get in trouble but thankfully we resort to time-out more times than not!
I’d love that a stipulation is that your hubby needs to check himself before spanking. I know my hubby can have a hard day at work and come home frustrated so this is a great idea!!
Such a good post Mama!
Thank you, Kermilia! Toddlers are tricky little people so we’re just doing our best considering our personalities and circumstances. We also use timeouts and I think having a break to reset is helpful for everyone.
Defiantly a touchy subject and I wont say much because I believe on spanking. It kept my husband and I out of trouble and knew better. However at least y’all can come together and parent effectively….
Hey Alexis! I was spanked as a child and I totally see how it works for some people. The dynamic in every family is different and each couple just has to decide what they’re comfortable with.
I love your resolution! My husband and I were luckily able to agree early on what spankings would look like for our kiddos!
When we DO decide to Spank we always send our daughter to our room first. We talk it out and discuss the behavior, we plan out a conversation. We make sure her expectations were clear and that she made the choice anyway. After we spank her, we sit and talk with her. We let her know she’s loved and we never connect her behavior to an identity. We talk about other ways to manage her behavior and try to empathize and relate to her.
Since our daughter is older now, we spank much less. We have found that other triggers like extra chores, early bedtime, and no screen time are really effective!
Thank you, Kimberly! Although my husband and I were able to find a solution, unfortunately, our fundamental beliefs about spanking still differ. I think it’s so fantastic that you and your husband were able to come to a clear consensus about spanking. I’m sure it sends a huge message to your daughter about consistent expectations and consequences in your family.
This is an eye-opening post. Spanking as a form of discipline really is an issue in parenting. I learned a lot from how you handled this issue!
Hi Carmela! Thanks for stopping by!
i love these rules for spanking and I totally agree, i think if everyone does that kind of evaluation before punishing a kid, they will be unlikely to find any reason to spank.
I don’t agree with spanking either, and I wasn’t spanked as a kid and still turned out fine, that argument works both ways. So many people think that kids who aren’t spanked will turn out spoiled and ungrateful but that has nothing to do with spanking or not spanking.
Thank you, Diana! Agreed. There are so many factors that contribute to the type of adult a child will become and it isn’t necessary for spanking to be part of the equation.
Very informative article. Kudos, to you! I particularly enjoy one point that is clear. We all have to be intentional in our sensibilities over our stand in issues surrounding our parenting; whether or not to spank, being one. Thank you for your insight.
Thank you for your time! Marriage and parenting are so rewarding but far from what I expected!
I’m in the exact same boat. I see that this was a few years old, is the plan still holding true? I am honestly terrified of spanking, I was never spanked as a child so I just can’t do it. I love your idea but am still so nervous.
Hi Madison! My husband and I both have been working hard to practice gentle parenting and I’m happy to report that zero spanking has occurred in our home!
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m struggling at the moment, my husband spanked my toddler for the first time recently and I’m so mad about it. I disagree with it, and do consider it borderline abusive. If we can’t come to an agreement I’m worried that our marriage will have to end. I can’t condone it and I’ll feel like I’m failing my kids if I allow it to happen.
Hi Erin! It’s frustrating to parent on different pages. Sitting down and having a calm conversation with my husband, outside of a stressful kid moment, helped me and my husband a lot!
Thanks for this. Did it impact your relationship at all? I do think such a big difference in opinion has negatively impacted my view of my husband. Dare I say I like/love him a little less because of it 🙁
The desire to spank is definitely not an attractive quality. My husband and I are doing great now, but the first few years of parenting redefined our marriage (I have another post I wrote about our experience in marriage counseling https://thecinnamonmom.com/marriage-counseling/).
Know that it’s perfectly normal to want to protect your children and advocate for them. Your husband probably needs to adjust his expectations for your toddler’s behavior. Reassure him that all parents feel challenged by their little ones at times and offer him alternatives for addressing his irritation.
My wife and I very rarely spank our daughters, 5 and 8. I usually do it (my wife insists the father should do it), and it’s just a few swats with my hand on their fully clothed bottoms. Our problem is my wife says my spankings don’t hurt, and she thinks they need to be much harder. She was whipped naked with a belt when she was a child, and that’s what she wants me to do to our daughters. But I just can’t do it. To me it’s about getting their attention, not seeing how much pain and embarrassment you can cause. She recently completely undressed our 5yo and sent her to me to be spanked. I put her underwear back on and spanked her more lightly than usual to compensate for her lack of clothes. My wife was very upset with me. How can I convince my wife that the way she was spanked was abusive?
Hi Brian! This is a complex, personal issue to bring up with your wife so my first advice is to approach it calmly, and not in the midst of dealing with challenging behavior from your kids. I shared a set of conditions for spanking in our home. Perhaps that would be helpful and encourage your wife to think more about whether or not physically abusing your children is necessary.